Tough Weekend in WV - Patsy in a rage, set off with the slightest thing

Mom seems to be actually improving! She can move the left arm, with difficulty...but cannot use the hand. I think she is swallowing better. I had her drinking through a straw, sipping a little water.
She does have some kind of bladder infection though, and is on antibiotics.

We drove Dad's car to Marietta to see Trisha and Zoey. That was great, Zoey is beautiful.

Patsy is crazy. She slept in the car on the way there, then after she held Zoey for a few minutes, she literally just crashed on the couch as we were all sitting around the living room visiting. She is really not well.

This morning when we went to say goodbye to Mom, Patsy was nearly off the wall. Something had angered her. apparently....
She would not say. She got in my face and met me eyeball to eyeball and said in a low, growling voice NO when I ask if there was something I could do to help her. She is scaring the caregivers, some are talking about quitting. She frightened me last night when she came at me, as if to attack me. I was sitting in the recliner when she came into the room and realized there was a scented candle burning behind a photo. I guess she assumed I had lite the candle, which I had not. She started getting in my face and screaming. I reacted strongly getting her off me...and telling her not to ever speak to me this way again. She should have been more concerned with blowing out the candle, not attacking me. I had nothing to do with it.
She is bizarre and really dangerous.

I don't know what to do.

Week One: -4.4 lbs.

Well, today was the first weigh in at WW. I was a bit apprehensive, but all went well. I've managed to lose 4.4 lbs. I wonder if it was the marathon walking we did Saturday at the DC Zoo. I'm pretty jazzed.
Ed is in Des Moines, Iowa tonight and last night.
I cooked Corn on the cob last night, salad tonight....turkey sandwiches for lunch...lots of fruit to fill me up. diet cherry coke....water.....I hope this keeps up.

It Official, I'm past my half-life!

Today I'm 56 years old. I went through with it and joined Weight Watchers. It was our first weigh in, I'm (with shoes on) 294.6. I do not like for people to know that, naturally. One woman I saw crying after she was weighed in. I'm upbeat and optimistic. I know I can do this. My initial goal is 10%, which is 29 lbs. So, we'll see if 17 weeks can make a difference in my life.
I'm listening to several new podcasts in my effort to mentally prepare for this journey. The new ones are:
Fat 2 Fit Radio
Inside Out Weight Loss
Morning Coach.
My old podcasts I'm still listening to are:
Motivation to Move
Fitness Rocks with Dr. Monte.

I am doing this to be healthier. (10% loss for greater health!!)
I want to feel more comfortable.
I want to be more ABLE.
I'm doing it out of fear of being disabled like Mom.

If I achieve significant weight loss, I'm going to have my breasts reduced to an A cup.
I'll get my eyelids tucked.
I'll get my excess skin removed, especially upper arms.

I've spent my life apologizing for the room I take up on this planet. I'm sick of being judged by my appearance.

I will work on:

not being afraid all the time.

dealing with my failures in life.

dealing with my successes!

I don't know what I'll have for dinner, but I'll work on this.
My co-worker brought me danish rolls for my birthday. I have never mentioned trying to lose weight to them. (Even though my WW is at work.)

This will get better.

Weight Watchers

OK, So I have made the decision to commit to 17 weeks of Weight Watchers. I start on Tuesday, my 56th Birthday.
I am going to follow it for 17 weeks and lost 10% of my body weight.

I think I'll try for maintaining the 10% loss for a while then. But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Seventeen Weeks.

Sizzling in DC summer heat

Summer has arrived early and with a vengeance in this city. We have just endured 4 straight days of 95+ heat and humidity. I'm worried when I think of Amanda in Tempe, where is predicted to be 109 this week. Joey is in his "new" apartment in NYC, and has no AC...and poor electrical outlets that may not be GFI safe for plugging in a portable AC unit.

Ed and I are grappling with the move to California. I'll be so damn glad when that is over. We've been "pending" for too long. I just want to DO something at this point.
I know it is an illogical move for me to make...I don't have a job there...I'll lose my financial security and hurt my retirement. I have 15 years in the government and am getting 16 hours leave per pay period, plus my substantial salary. Dumb dumb dumb. But, I do not love this job, and I do love living in California, the climate, the people, the hiking.....I think I'll be happier there. This move should be the last one. Hopefully, that will be a good thing.

I don't want to leave before Mom passes though. Poor Mom. I have let go already, and I miss her. But, I haven't felt that she was the same Mom for a long time. It has been at least a couple of years since I have been able to have a real talk with her. These last years have been abysmal when it came to communication with her. There were noticeable cognitive changes in her for the last few years or longer....and my poor sister has just been out of her head part of that time. Coping with the unanticipated loss of her beloved husband, who can blame her? (And yet, I sometimes do blame her.) That paired with the loss of both our parents in these last couple of years would be enough to drive anyone round the bend.

But, it has been truly awful for me too. I wanted much more say in how Mom & Dad were cared for, I wanted them to look to me for suppport and help, but they did not. I feel so hurt. My sister really pushed me out of loop in innumerable ways, which I will endeaver to just forget now.

Coming home to WV when Dad was so sick was just awful, Patsy always in a snit of some kind or other. Trying to help her with the paperwork and her just refusing to discuss, stomping out into her car for one of her "drives". I can see her still, stomping through the living room at Sun Valley, head down, frown on face, not even glancing up to speak to either me, Ed or Mom. Whatever terror or compulsions drove her, I could not help. I could not get in. I was, quite literally, shut out.
Perhaps the move back to California will help me feel human again, feel alive again, feel as though I still have some life left again. Sometimes when you deal with long term care, death and disease all the time, you start to feel that is all there is. You wonder if your perspective will ever return to some sense of normalcy.... which of course, it will not be the same, ever I'm afraid.
Life, as I knew it, is over.