Greetings!
We're having unusually warm weather for a December. Today it was nearly 70 degrees and sunny here. I'm enjoying it, although I wonder what this warm spell in December will mean long term.
There are not Christmas decorations here in my condo this year. I'm feeling the pain of Dad's death, my first Christmas without him. Even though he was 89, I cannot believe he was gone. Didn't I realize no one lives forever? Except in my heart, of course.....
I'm working on his estate paperwork....I'm learning to deal with investment issues. I'm beating myself up for not being as good with money as he certainly was.
H & I are strained in our relationship again. It was going really well, I was beginning to feel warmth toward him again and a bit of my old spark....then I found a paper with a woman's name and phone number. When I ask "Who is Aliza?" I fully expected him to say, "A co-worker." But, he said, "She is a woman I met on the Metro." Oh, no, not again. I am sad and disheartened. He will never be able to change. Which means, hey! Wake up and smell the coffee....H will never be the husband you want and deserve. He is a husband, but on his terms. I am wildly upset and sad. I refuse to let this take over my life as it has in the past.
I made plans to go to an art museum in Raleigh to see the Monets. I'm going on with my life. We have a 35th anniversary to celebrate. I suggested we just politely ignore it, since we have nothing to celebrate. He insisted we "celebrate". I had told him earlier in the year not to screw up this anniversary as he had our 25th. This was his chance to redeem himself. Well, oh gosh, oh golly, he forgot. Forgot to make any reservations, any plans. All up to me.
When I told his Screw it then... he went to work and promptly ask co-workers for names of places he might take me. Dumb ass.
So, its nothing special...to late to get reservations at The Inn at Little Washington, too late for reservations for a cabin at Black Water Falls in WV.
I'm sure it will be "fine". Just another anniversary, nothing special, as our marriage. Undeserving of a special "no holds barred" blowout.
Just 35 years.
huh. . .
This is the first time in my life I've had no Christmas Tree.
The best thing about Christmas - my son will be here Thursday. Wish I could see my daughter also. Miss these wonderful kids.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Monday, November 13, 2006
Ipods
Do you ever find yourself just listening to NPR instead of having meaningful conversations with real live friends? Ipod as substitute friend? stupid.
November in West Virginia 2006
This weekend my Aunt Evie passed away in West Virginia. This strong and wonderful woman was the last immediate family for my father, who passed away 6 weeks ago. I was glad I could at least go to the funeral home for this, as it is very comforting to do so.
While in WV we helped my sis compile the necessary facts to close my Dad's estate. We aren't done yet, but we're a long way down that road now. It isn't easy. Mom is doing OK for her age and state of being. My sis is having a tougher time of it, but I can't be much help for that.
H flies to Las Vegas on Wednesday for a precon. In view of past, I am a bit bothered by that. I wonder if the past ever becomes a moot point. He is a good guy. I am bothered by lots of things from the past though, probably need extensive therapy and lots of meds. 8-(
oh well...
While in WV we helped my sis compile the necessary facts to close my Dad's estate. We aren't done yet, but we're a long way down that road now. It isn't easy. Mom is doing OK for her age and state of being. My sis is having a tougher time of it, but I can't be much help for that.
H flies to Las Vegas on Wednesday for a precon. In view of past, I am a bit bothered by that. I wonder if the past ever becomes a moot point. He is a good guy. I am bothered by lots of things from the past though, probably need extensive therapy and lots of meds. 8-(
oh well...
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
After the Funeral 2006
Dad's long life ended Sunday evening on September 24, 2006. He was 89 years old. My sister had brought him home [from his nursing home] for Sunday afternoon at Sun Valley.
Among the many things I am thankful for, is the fact that he was able to die at home. That is just how he would have liked it.
By the next day H & I were in C-burg. Having quickly arranged flights to the East Coast for each of our kids, H's brother went to the DC airport and picked them up for us - a very kind and helpful thing for him to do.
I was so glad to see the kids. The funeral was almost fun, seeing everyone from so long ago. I felt like Dad had many friends and had enjoyed an exciting life. I think it was good.
I know from experience with losing my H's folks, that the absence feels so long and so difficult. I pray for strength and understanding.
Among the many things I am thankful for, is the fact that he was able to die at home. That is just how he would have liked it.
By the next day H & I were in C-burg. Having quickly arranged flights to the East Coast for each of our kids, H's brother went to the DC airport and picked them up for us - a very kind and helpful thing for him to do.
I was so glad to see the kids. The funeral was almost fun, seeing everyone from so long ago. I felt like Dad had many friends and had enjoyed an exciting life. I think it was good.
I know from experience with losing my H's folks, that the absence feels so long and so difficult. I pray for strength and understanding.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Long weekend in West Virginia
Greetings from the lovely hills of WV...
I'm home to my parents home for the weekend + Monday and Tuesday. My mother is 84 and mostly immobile...my dad is recovering from colon cancer surgery in a nursing home, he is 89. He is left with an ilestomy to deal with and has been in the nursing home for about 10 months. Dad also has kidney failure and has dialysis 3x per week.
It is great weather this weekend, the heat spell has broken and the humidity is down. Mom is upstairs sleeping as I type this, its about 1:30 on a lovely Saturday afternoon. I'll be taking Mom to her hairdresser at 4:30 for her perm. Later, I'll go check on Dad at the home and count his ostomy supplies. Getting old in our society isn't much fun, I can see that.
My older sister will be returning within a couple of days from a brief vacation with her hubby. My sis cares for these folks mostly full time, living here and all, in addition to working full time. She is a very stong woman, I don't know that I could do it.
There are so many things to fix here, they have a nice house with huge yard, about an acre. This morning I pulled the cord to close the kitchen curtains, only to have the rod fall into my face. Don't know when it got so messed up. I can't seem to fix it, which is frustrating. Wish my handy husband was with me this weekend. Guess it is symbolic of this whole unfortunate, but common, situation.
I've got to run, I can hardly type on this keybroad, as it is very hot - not my PC. They elect to leave it on all the time and it gets so hot. Can't be good for it.
Others are pitching in with the care too- thank God!! But for gosh sakes, am I the only one who thinks to fill up the gas tank on g'pa's car? Or remove any litter we make in the car? Gheeze.gripgripgrip I'm taking just this moment to stop and be grateful.
Love,
B
I'm home to my parents home for the weekend + Monday and Tuesday. My mother is 84 and mostly immobile...my dad is recovering from colon cancer surgery in a nursing home, he is 89. He is left with an ilestomy to deal with and has been in the nursing home for about 10 months. Dad also has kidney failure and has dialysis 3x per week.
It is great weather this weekend, the heat spell has broken and the humidity is down. Mom is upstairs sleeping as I type this, its about 1:30 on a lovely Saturday afternoon. I'll be taking Mom to her hairdresser at 4:30 for her perm. Later, I'll go check on Dad at the home and count his ostomy supplies. Getting old in our society isn't much fun, I can see that.
My older sister will be returning within a couple of days from a brief vacation with her hubby. My sis cares for these folks mostly full time, living here and all, in addition to working full time. She is a very stong woman, I don't know that I could do it.
There are so many things to fix here, they have a nice house with huge yard, about an acre. This morning I pulled the cord to close the kitchen curtains, only to have the rod fall into my face. Don't know when it got so messed up. I can't seem to fix it, which is frustrating. Wish my handy husband was with me this weekend. Guess it is symbolic of this whole unfortunate, but common, situation.
I've got to run, I can hardly type on this keybroad, as it is very hot - not my PC. They elect to leave it on all the time and it gets so hot. Can't be good for it.
Others are pitching in with the care too- thank God!! But for gosh sakes, am I the only one who thinks to fill up the gas tank on g'pa's car? Or remove any litter we make in the car? Gheeze.gripgripgrip I'm taking just this moment to stop and be grateful.
Love,
B
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Fireworks in the Nations Capitol
July in DC is turning out to be a very rainy time. This area has had extensive rain damage in the last couple of weeks. Sometimes accompanied by high winds and lightening, the view from our 6th floor balcony has been interesting! We did see actual fireworks also, on July 2nd and then again on July 4th from our balcony. We're guessing they were fireworks from Montgomery Mall, but we aren't certain of that.
Work has been somewhat hectic. I thought it would slow down a little due to all the vacations, but alas, no rest for the wicked. My boss in actually in Switzerland, but there is plenty of unfinished business. I'm working on learning about ssh as it relates to web editing, but it is slow going with no teacher. Trying to self-teach a subject of which I am nearly completely ignorant. Well, at least I am self-aware. This job definitely does not make my heart sing, but I appreciate the many good parts of this job. I'm grateful every day for it.
My parents aging saga continues. Dad, at 89, is still in the nursing home. Quality of life is diminished greatly, but he continues. He is actually looking forward to going on an outing - I think he is going fishing with someone from the home. I hope he is OK. He shakes pretty badly and probably will have problems holding the fishing rod. I am praying it won't be too frustrating for him.
My Mom, at 84, is pretty much weak and nearly bedfast. She spends most/all days in her recliner, unable to walk any distance at all, using home oxygen. She is (understandably I guess) very very angry. I can only imagine what her life is like. She has to pay out of pocket for her home care worker and hates that --- hates needing a home care worker at all. The home care worker is a woman named Joy, and she is great. We are lucky to have her help. She has done a lot to help.
My sister is bearing the brunt of all this caregiving. She has given up her home and her life mostly. She & her disabled husband have had to move into Mom's home to help handle Mom, and also my sis goes to the nursing home at least daily -- every single day. She still has her own house, but they can't live there as Hubby has become too disabled to handle the multistory dwelling and bathrooms on 2nd floor. Did I mention my sis works full time too? Guess I'll have to nominate her for Martyr of the Year. Yes, I think she is taking on too much. I think she needs to take better care of herself before she collapses too. But, what can I say? I can't quit my job and be there. So, I try to shut up. I wish I could think of ways to be of more help. I'm trying. H & I go there on weekends and long weekends, where we do the "maintenance list" for the house. It is never enough that we do. I am really sad about this part of my life. Needs improvement!!
On the other hand, H is doing really well at work. His travel has momentarily let up, so he is home more this month. We are going to the beach for a week with his family. It will be fun and I'm looking forward to it.
I have set aside a week in October to drive the Blue Ridge Parkway and go to Asheville, NC. I hope we get to do that, I'm really looking forward to that. I am working to appreciate the East as much as I appreciated the West. There are many wonderful things here to see and do, I just need time and money enough -- and energy -- to do them.
My mammogram went well, looks OK for now. Another in 6 months. I feel fine. My feet have quit hurting! Yeah! We went walking at Brookside Gardens last weekend, it was really nice! I love being able to walk again. Its awesome!
My daughter drove from Phoeniz to SF over the 4th to see my son(her brother.) The kids had a nice weekend - lots of fun. They are great kids. Oh, to be young and have the energy for the long drives! Life is good.
We saw the prettiest birds this morning on the walk to the Metro. Bright yellow pair, small, flitting around. They were beautiful. Beauty amidst the urban blight! H gets credit for spotting the pretty birds. He is a very different man these days.
Work has been somewhat hectic. I thought it would slow down a little due to all the vacations, but alas, no rest for the wicked. My boss in actually in Switzerland, but there is plenty of unfinished business. I'm working on learning about ssh as it relates to web editing, but it is slow going with no teacher. Trying to self-teach a subject of which I am nearly completely ignorant. Well, at least I am self-aware. This job definitely does not make my heart sing, but I appreciate the many good parts of this job. I'm grateful every day for it.
My parents aging saga continues. Dad, at 89, is still in the nursing home. Quality of life is diminished greatly, but he continues. He is actually looking forward to going on an outing - I think he is going fishing with someone from the home. I hope he is OK. He shakes pretty badly and probably will have problems holding the fishing rod. I am praying it won't be too frustrating for him.
My Mom, at 84, is pretty much weak and nearly bedfast. She spends most/all days in her recliner, unable to walk any distance at all, using home oxygen. She is (understandably I guess) very very angry. I can only imagine what her life is like. She has to pay out of pocket for her home care worker and hates that --- hates needing a home care worker at all. The home care worker is a woman named Joy, and she is great. We are lucky to have her help. She has done a lot to help.
My sister is bearing the brunt of all this caregiving. She has given up her home and her life mostly. She & her disabled husband have had to move into Mom's home to help handle Mom, and also my sis goes to the nursing home at least daily -- every single day. She still has her own house, but they can't live there as Hubby has become too disabled to handle the multistory dwelling and bathrooms on 2nd floor. Did I mention my sis works full time too? Guess I'll have to nominate her for Martyr of the Year. Yes, I think she is taking on too much. I think she needs to take better care of herself before she collapses too. But, what can I say? I can't quit my job and be there. So, I try to shut up. I wish I could think of ways to be of more help. I'm trying. H & I go there on weekends and long weekends, where we do the "maintenance list" for the house. It is never enough that we do. I am really sad about this part of my life. Needs improvement!!
On the other hand, H is doing really well at work. His travel has momentarily let up, so he is home more this month. We are going to the beach for a week with his family. It will be fun and I'm looking forward to it.
I have set aside a week in October to drive the Blue Ridge Parkway and go to Asheville, NC. I hope we get to do that, I'm really looking forward to that. I am working to appreciate the East as much as I appreciated the West. There are many wonderful things here to see and do, I just need time and money enough -- and energy -- to do them.
My mammogram went well, looks OK for now. Another in 6 months. I feel fine. My feet have quit hurting! Yeah! We went walking at Brookside Gardens last weekend, it was really nice! I love being able to walk again. Its awesome!
My daughter drove from Phoeniz to SF over the 4th to see my son(her brother.) The kids had a nice weekend - lots of fun. They are great kids. Oh, to be young and have the energy for the long drives! Life is good.
We saw the prettiest birds this morning on the walk to the Metro. Bright yellow pair, small, flitting around. They were beautiful. Beauty amidst the urban blight! H gets credit for spotting the pretty birds. He is a very different man these days.
Monday, June 12, 2006
June 2006
Hi,
I had fun watching Al Gore's movie, An Inconvenient Truth. The movie was fine, but the couple who happened to be seated beside me apparently were bored. They were a nice, normal looking couple in their late twenties or early thirties. They had a pretty heavy make out session about 45 minutes into the movie. (Complete with the guy moaning softly!) He was seated right beside me, so I could hardly avoid hearing him. I finally moved. I felt so very uncomfortable! I think that was just downright stupid and rude. I wish I could have thought of a clever thing to say -- other than, "Hey, cut that out!." However, I didn't want to interrupt the movie! I was really into the movie and I'm sure others in the room were as well. It was crowded and people were quiet.
Al Gore has a real point with this movie. I hope he can reach enough folks to have more impact. I think we're attempting to do some corrective things already, such as California demanding better emission standards on cars for 2016 etc. (But it is clear we must do more!)
It was a beautiful weekend here in Bethesda. Lovely evening sky, full moon. Weather was warm and mild, I ate a late lunch outside on Elm St. at Cafe Du Lux. Very nice! H is away at training, unfortunately. His training is in Florida, where they are having rain from Alberto.
I had to give a presentation here at work this morning. Like most of us, I'm not a natural born public speaker, but I managed to survive. No crisis! Reason enough to celebrate - I'll have to open the bottle of Cambria -- Katherine's Vineyard Chardonnay. Well, actually I've already opened it, but somehow managed to have half a bottle left. Guess I don't do well drinking alone.
I had fun watching Al Gore's movie, An Inconvenient Truth. The movie was fine, but the couple who happened to be seated beside me apparently were bored. They were a nice, normal looking couple in their late twenties or early thirties. They had a pretty heavy make out session about 45 minutes into the movie. (Complete with the guy moaning softly!) He was seated right beside me, so I could hardly avoid hearing him. I finally moved. I felt so very uncomfortable! I think that was just downright stupid and rude. I wish I could have thought of a clever thing to say -- other than, "Hey, cut that out!." However, I didn't want to interrupt the movie! I was really into the movie and I'm sure others in the room were as well. It was crowded and people were quiet.
Al Gore has a real point with this movie. I hope he can reach enough folks to have more impact. I think we're attempting to do some corrective things already, such as California demanding better emission standards on cars for 2016 etc. (But it is clear we must do more!)
It was a beautiful weekend here in Bethesda. Lovely evening sky, full moon. Weather was warm and mild, I ate a late lunch outside on Elm St. at Cafe Du Lux. Very nice! H is away at training, unfortunately. His training is in Florida, where they are having rain from Alberto.
I had to give a presentation here at work this morning. Like most of us, I'm not a natural born public speaker, but I managed to survive. No crisis! Reason enough to celebrate - I'll have to open the bottle of Cambria -- Katherine's Vineyard Chardonnay. Well, actually I've already opened it, but somehow managed to have half a bottle left. Guess I don't do well drinking alone.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Springtime in DC
I guess I'm beginning to appreciate the Washington, DC area a little more. I've given up on the "why i hate DC" blog, that new owner isn't my cup of tea. The cherry blossoms are really beautiful, only it isn't just cherry blossoms I'm seeing around Bethesda, it is crab apple blossoms. They are really lovely and I am grateful every time I see them. I keep thinking I'll bring my digital camera and snap a few shots before they die away.
Spring is really beautiful and I'm noticing flowers around the condo building. I am reminded of the flowers I've hiked through in California.
I'm missing H as he is still traveling for his new position. It is hard for me when he travels, especially so much. However, my son will be here tomorrow! Yea! We will get together this weekend to visit grandparents in West Virginia for Easter. It will be an interesting get together with family, we will be bringing Grandpa (my Dad) home from his long term care facility for the Sunday meal. He will be 89 in April. What a strong, brave man he is being. He is considering surgery to reconnect his colon and remove his ilestomy. I can't say I blame him, it is impossible to have quality of life with an ileostomy. (well, looks impossible to me, does anyone know better?) I think I'll "just say no" if they offer to "save my life" with an ileostomy.
Son is changing to a great job, I'm excited for him. He is experiencing remorse of having to leave behind coworkers he enjoyed very much. It is a bitter sweet experience for him. I'm hoping he loves his new position as much as the old one.
Work life is better, I'm feeling good about being useful and needed here. Spring is shaping up as a busy time, with a major conference in Phoenix coming up in May. I'm definitely looking forward to it. (I'll get to see my daughter!) Our web usability work is moving along pretty nicely, so that will be a good meeting I think.
Spring is really beautiful and I'm noticing flowers around the condo building. I am reminded of the flowers I've hiked through in California.
I'm missing H as he is still traveling for his new position. It is hard for me when he travels, especially so much. However, my son will be here tomorrow! Yea! We will get together this weekend to visit grandparents in West Virginia for Easter. It will be an interesting get together with family, we will be bringing Grandpa (my Dad) home from his long term care facility for the Sunday meal. He will be 89 in April. What a strong, brave man he is being. He is considering surgery to reconnect his colon and remove his ilestomy. I can't say I blame him, it is impossible to have quality of life with an ileostomy. (well, looks impossible to me, does anyone know better?) I think I'll "just say no" if they offer to "save my life" with an ileostomy.
Son is changing to a great job, I'm excited for him. He is experiencing remorse of having to leave behind coworkers he enjoyed very much. It is a bitter sweet experience for him. I'm hoping he loves his new position as much as the old one.
Work life is better, I'm feeling good about being useful and needed here. Spring is shaping up as a busy time, with a major conference in Phoenix coming up in May. I'm definitely looking forward to it. (I'll get to see my daughter!) Our web usability work is moving along pretty nicely, so that will be a good meeting I think.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Breast Biopsy
Greetings!
I was certain 2006 would be a much better year, however I came into it facing a "do over" mammogram. I had a mammo in November, which showed an area that required an ultrasound and a compression mammogram. I had that done in February 2006. Results were that I had an area of abnormal cells resembling a tumor. So, next came the needle biopsy, which was inconclusive. So, this was followed by an excisional biopsy -0utpatient surgery. This left a two inch scar on my breast, but pathology revealed a benign fatty necrosis, which I guess is not really a tumor.
So, that's all good.
H changed job responsibilities and accepted a promotion. Good for us financially, except this means a whole lot of travel for him. This is quite problematic for me. I think he is really happy with the new job, he must have been hating his old job from the lift I sense in his spirits. I'm totally depressed about his increase in travel, but he is insensitive to my feelings regarding this. My problem. It really makes me sad.
Our move here has [once again] left me without my friends to lean on. I've been here a year already and am just now feeling that I fit in enough at work to be alright. No one to have lunch with yet...it is a pretty clic-ish group here. I have been so exhausted that I have not pursued my water aerobics, so I have no friends to even talk to. When he is out of town again for weeks at a time, I'll be completely alone. Dining alone, sleeping alone, living alone.
This sucks for me.
Guess I'm the only one who can change this.
More later.
I was certain 2006 would be a much better year, however I came into it facing a "do over" mammogram. I had a mammo in November, which showed an area that required an ultrasound and a compression mammogram. I had that done in February 2006. Results were that I had an area of abnormal cells resembling a tumor. So, next came the needle biopsy, which was inconclusive. So, this was followed by an excisional biopsy -0utpatient surgery. This left a two inch scar on my breast, but pathology revealed a benign fatty necrosis, which I guess is not really a tumor.
So, that's all good.
H changed job responsibilities and accepted a promotion. Good for us financially, except this means a whole lot of travel for him. This is quite problematic for me. I think he is really happy with the new job, he must have been hating his old job from the lift I sense in his spirits. I'm totally depressed about his increase in travel, but he is insensitive to my feelings regarding this. My problem. It really makes me sad.
Our move here has [once again] left me without my friends to lean on. I've been here a year already and am just now feeling that I fit in enough at work to be alright. No one to have lunch with yet...it is a pretty clic-ish group here. I have been so exhausted that I have not pursued my water aerobics, so I have no friends to even talk to. When he is out of town again for weeks at a time, I'll be completely alone. Dining alone, sleeping alone, living alone.
This sucks for me.
Guess I'm the only one who can change this.
More later.
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