Here it is June already. I barely noticed the passage of time. Its getting hot here in DC, the humidity is overwhelming at times. Today is a blessing, its a nice day. A little warm, but really nice.
I'm definitely at a low point emotionally. I think I need a friend, but I'm at a disadvantage here. I think it is the corporate culture here, although in Martinez I ate lunch alone quite a bit also. (But, at Martinez, I also had friends and coworkers that were eating lunch with me sometimes.) I eat lunch alone most of the time and speak with no one. I feel depressed and tired all the time. I feel hunched over, shoulders drawn together in the front, defensive posture. At work I feel incompetent and underutilized. My skills don't seem to be a match for the type if work they have in mind. It won't be an easy way out, I can see that. I am still trying to figure out if I can fit in somehow. I know a couple people here who would gladly reassure me that I will never in a million years fit in here with the intellectual elite. I know I'm a competent woman, well educated and a good worker. How do make that work for me here? Well, I'm momentarialy stumped. Sometimes it overwhelms me.
I knew it was a new low point when the highlight of last week was when a stranger struck up a conversation with me about my iPod mini. I loved having someone talk to me!! This sucks. My friends from Sacramento are sending me cards and emails and that helps, but gheeze Louise, I should be able to find someone to just talk to here. What gives with this? Am in going insane? Have I lost it, finally?
I need to get enrolled in a water aerobics class, and I think I will do that this week. Today is Tuesday, maybe today. Exercise that won't hurt my foot will make me happier I know.
The condo is suffocating, but I really like the balcony. It seems to be my private space as H seldom steps out there. He mostly ignores me. He is emotionally removed. I don't even blame him for that, but I do blame him for the move here. It is so lonely here.
Well, I have to go, yet another dreadfully boring meeting awaits me -- where the negative work people wait to suck any lifeblood out of me. I'll pretend to be a drone and hope they pass over me today. More later,
gotta go for now.